


Rehab

by agape_eternal



Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-24
Updated: 2012-08-24
Packaged: 2017-11-12 19:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/494640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agape_eternal/pseuds/agape_eternal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael changes</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rehab

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the Rihanna song

_Baby, baby_

_When we first met I never felt something so strong_  
You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it  
And all of a sudden you went and left, I didn't know how to follow  
It's like a shock that spun me around and now my heart's dead  
I feel so empty and hollow  
  
When Ryan meets Michael for the first time at Trials in ’04, he falls…hard. He’s dated before but this isn’t the same. He knows he’s in love. Michael’s sweet and shy, Ryan’s laid back and confident and they fit together perfectly, polar opposites attracting.   
  
Michael quickly becomes Ryan’s life…besides swimming. He’s Ryan’s best friend, his boyfriend…his everything. He’s the first thing Ryan thinks about when he wakes up in the morning, the last thing he thinks about before he goes to sleep, and everything in between.   
  
When they get to Athens, they’re happy. Michael’s really enjoying having a boyfriend that cares for him wholeheartedly, almost a little annoyingly. But he likes Ryan, likes everything about him. What neither of them is counting on is Michael winning 6 gold medals and suddenly becoming America’s golden boy.   
  
They sorta lose touch and instead of calling every day, Michael stars calling once every couple of days, then once a week, then every couple of weeks, than once a month, and after a while, he stops calling period. Ryan calls a lot, but Michael doesn’t answer and he doesn’t call back. Ryan only sees him at meets and it hurts.   
  
He can’t help that he still loves Michael and he feels like Michael took his heart with him.   
  
 _And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you_  
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, Do you?  
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back  
And you're the one to blame  
  
By the time trials for Worlds in 2005 rolls about, Ryan’s got a new boyfriend, but he doesn’t go out of his way to make him happy. He hardly calls him, he doesn’t respond to the texts and e-mail’s, he always says he’s too busy with training and can’t break away for a date because really, he feels like he’s cheating on Michael since he never said they were “over” and Kyle doesn’t make him feel any better when he says, ‘God Ryan, Michael’s just not that into you. When’re you gonna get over it?’  
  
By the time Worlds starts, he doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore. He’s not sad though, or maybe he is, he can’t tell anymore. All his emotions seem to blur together these’s days and he can’t really form or feel them like he used to. Everything’s a little blurry, like looking through that kind of glass on shower doors and sometimes he feels like he’s just standing back and watching his life go by on a huge slow motion relay screen, like the ones they have for football games in the UF stadium. Inside he knows, he knows he should be feeling something, knows that the world really isn’t on replay and all passing him by at a distance. But it doesn’t register with him, somewhere it shorts out and he’s fairly disassociated with it. He just wonders sometimes, when things seem to go a little fuzzy around the edges, if all this isn’t some giant dream or nightmare…that maybe everything here is that parallel universe, where he’s just viewing the real world from the other side. He’s sad all the time—he thinks because he’s honestly not really sure—but he’s not mourning over the latest lost relationship. It wasn’t much of one to begin with. He’s still mourning over Michael and he feels like being happy and in love are too foreign to ever be truly felt again.   
  
He just sits down in the hotel room he’s sharing with Peter Vanderkaay and writes Michael a note saying how fucked up it was that he just stopped calling, that didn’t even have the decency to tell him they were over and that he almost certainly doesn’t know how hurt Ryan is and probably doesn’t care.   
  
He leaves it in Michael’s assigned locker and waits for a reply. The only thing he gets is one line on the same piece of paper: “Sorry. M.P.”  
  
Ryan just slides down his locker and hugs his knees to his chest and tries not to cry again. He’s not sure when the room blurs out, but eventually he’s just staring blankly at the wall in front of him.   
  
When Cullen finds him, he’s breathing hard and holding his stomach and shaking like crazy, like he should be crying and possibly sick and he is…he’s heartbroken, and that’s a whole different kind of sickness. Cullen’s sorta scared because this is reminding him of that scene in Godfather III when Al Pacino’s daughter gets killed and all he can do is sit there with his mouth open and no sound coming out because he’s so hurt, so he gets Gregg and when Gregg asks what’s wrong all Ryan can say is, “It hurts. I know it probably doesn’t make sense but it…my heart…everything…just…hurts,” and the waterworks start almost instantly.   
  
 _And now I feel like, oh you're the reason why I'm thinking I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more_  
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you enter my door  
Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it  
Cause now I'm using like I bleed...  
It's like I checked into rehab, baby you're my disease  
It's like I checked into rehab, baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab, 'Cause baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab, 'Cause baby you're my disease  
  
Ryan knows it’s his fault. Michael was too sweet and too innocent; he was too GOOD of a swimmer not to just blow the fuck up. It was a tragedy waiting to happen.   
  
But Michael does come back, long enough to hold him and tell him how sorry he is…and Ryan forgives him, long enough to give Michael what he wants.   
  
He feels like he’s addicted to Michael, in the worst way, and that hurts even more because he knows Michael isn’t addicted to him.   
  
 _Damn,_  
Ain't it crazy when you're loveswept? You'll do anything for the one you love  
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there  
It's like you were my favorite drug  
The only problem is that you was using me in a different way that I was using you  
But now that I know that it's not meant to be you gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you  
  
At Trial’s in ’04, Ryan did all the ordering for food and went and got anything Michael wanted. He waited on Michael hand and foot.   
  
During training camp they had a kitchenette and Ryan made sure he cooked in the morning or at least made coffee and cereal for them.   
  
In Athens, he brought Michael food back from the all you can eat McDonald’s and massaged him out after races, even though he was hurting himself.   
  
When Michael broke his wrist, Ryan flew all the way to Ann Arbor to be with him, even though Michael was only calling him once a week and he was missing his own training.   
  
Any excuse to see Michael was a good excuse. And every time, even with a broken wrist, it seemed like the only thing Michael was interested in was what Ryan could do for him…and the sex. It kinda reminded Ryan of that scene in “Midnight Express” when the guy’s girlfriend came to visit him in the Turkish prison and he made her take off her top, even though they were separated by glass and completely got off on it.   
  
But now, he doesn’t answer Michael’s messages and tries to avoid his calls because really, it’s unfair. He’s gotta learn how to live when he’s NOT at Michael’s beck and call.   
  
 _And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you_  
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, Do ya?  
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back  
And you're the one to blame  
  
And now I feel like, oh you're the reason why I'm thinking I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more  
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you enter my door  
Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it  
Cause now I'm using like I bleed...  
It's like I checked into rehab, baby you're my disease  
It's like I checked into rehab, baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab, 'Cause baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab, 'Cause baby you're my disease  
  
Ryan knows that no matter what, he’ll always love Michael. He knows because even though he’s vowed not to give in, he’s on a plane to Baltimore because Michael’s apologized and he thinks that maybe, maybe he’ll be different this time.   
  
Michael really hasn’t changed much by the time Beijing rolls around, but he’s back to calling Ryan on a regular basis and that’s more than Ryan expected.   
  
He waits like an idiot for those phone calls because they make his day. He knows he should stop and he figures the next time Michael decides he doesn’t want to call anymore, he’ll give up, but until them, he’s gonna keep on being addicted because he really can’t help he stays in love with Michael.   
  
 _Oh, you're the reason why I'm thinking I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more_  
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinking, should've never let you enter my door  
Next time you wanna go on and leave, I should just let you go on and do it  
Cause now I'm using like I bleed...  
It's like I checked into rehab, baby you're my disease  
It's like I checked into rehab, baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab, 'Cause baby you're my disease  
I gotta check into rehab, 'Cause baby you're my disease  
  
Ryan thinks that after Michael wins his 8 gold medals that maybe he’ll be the way he was after Athens, but if anything it seems to bring them closer. Michael starts calling everyday again and they start becoming the friends they once were, but Ryan still looks for the signs of Michael deciding he’s had enough because this time, if he wants to leave, Ryan’s not gonna stop him. 


End file.
